One-on-OnePlaydates
一对一玩耍约会
MarshaParrish
玛莎·帕里什
I amthe mother of a 9-year-old boy with Asperger's Syndrome. I have very simplegoals in life for my son-for him to be happy, have friends, and a job heenjoys. I believe that these goals can only be attained by his having adequatesocial skills. Unfortunately, our children have a deficit in this area. Ifrequently say to friends "social skills are my #1 priority for my son-the"cognitive stuff" can always be taught. How often do we use calculusin our daily lives"? I have made this a top priority, and I have come torealize over the years that play dates have helped my son greatly improve hissocial skills and assisted him in making and keeping friends.
我儿子九岁了，他患有艾斯伯格症。 我对于孩子的目标非常简单：只希望他能开心， 有朋友， 然后有一份他喜欢的工作。 我认为要要实现这些目标，他必须具备足够的社会技能。 不幸的是， 我们的孩子在这个方面有缺陷。 我经常跟我的朋友说“我觉得社会技能对我孩子是最重要的。认知方面的东西他随时可以学习。 我们在日常生活中会经常用到微积分吗？”我把社会技能作为我的首要目标，然后我在这些年里渐渐地明白，玩耍约会提高了孩子的社交技能，帮助他交更多的朋友，并且长期保持这些友谊。
Inthe 1990's a social skills study was conducted at UCLA by Dr. Fred Frankel. Themost important finding was that one-on-one play dates are the best way to buildclose friendships. A one-on-one play date is when your child invites only oneguest over and plays with him/her in private. These play dates are the onlytime when children can get to know each other intimately without interruption.They also help your child maintain a continuing relationship with friends.One-on-one play dates have been shown to enhance self-esteem and make yourchild feel special. Your child is able to see that another child wants to playwith him\her exclusively.
上个世纪90年代，美国加州大学洛杉矶分校的教授Fred Frankel 发表的关于社会技能的研究中指出，一对一的玩耍约会是建立紧密友谊最好的方式。一对一的玩耍约会具体来说就是孩子只邀请一个客人来家里，并且只和他（她）玩耍。这些玩耍约会是孩子们唯一能相互深入了解而不被打扰的时候。它们也帮助孩子与朋友维持长久的友谊。研究显示，一对一的玩耍约会可以加强孩子的自尊心，并且让孩子感到自己很特别。你的孩子能看到有另外一个孩子只想要跟他玩。
Ihave practiced this one-on-one play date theory over the past 4 years, andafter much trial and error, I can provide the following tips from myexperience:
我在过去的四年里一直实践着这个“一对一玩玩耍约会”的理念，并且在无数的实践之后，我可以根据我的经验提供以下的意见：
·HAVE LOTS OF PLAYDATES
进行很多次玩耍约会 Iknow it's time-consuming, but studies have shown if you are able to schedule,on average, one play date every week for your child, tremendous improvement insocial skills will occur.
我知道这样很花时间，但是研究显示如果你有能力为你的孩子安排，大体上来说，每周一次玩耍约会能极大地提高孩子的社交技能。
·MAKE YOUR HOUSE THE "FUN" HOUSE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
将你家打造成社区里非常有趣的地方 Buythe best games, snacks and toys. Is this bribery? Yes-but for a noble cause. Iam on a mission to help my child have friends. I also tell myself that this isactually "behavioral". My son can be difficult to play with, he hasdifficulty losing, he usually wants to do very specific types of make-believeplay, and sometimes he "melts down." If other children are beingasked to put up with his behavior, external incentives are needed at my house.
购买最棒的游戏， 零食和玩具。这个是贿赂吗？是的，但这是为了一个合理的理由。 我的任务就是帮助我的孩子交朋友。我同时也告诉自己，这其实是“行为上的”。我儿子可能不是个容易相处的好玩伴，他玩游戏时容易输不起，通常指想玩特定的角色扮演游戏，并且有时候他会奔溃。在我们家，如果其他的孩子要忍受他的这些行为，外在的物质上的刺激是必要的。
At asocial skills seminar I recently attended, quite a few parents of children withsocial skills difficulties mentioned that they had purchased trampolines, andalthough they require a great deal of parental supervision, children love thisactivity. The parents reported that the trampoline worked to "lure' theneighborhood kids to our house. One parent even placed it in the front yard,where it became a "kid magnet" (this particular trampoline wasapparently a slightly smaller one which was only three feet off the ground).
在一个我最近参加的社会技能的讲座中，大部分孩子有社会交流困难的家长都提到，他们家里买了蹦床。即使玩蹦床需要家长监督，但是孩子们非常喜欢这项活动。 这些父母说蹦床可以吸引社区的其他孩子来自己家里。其中有一个家长甚至都把这个蹦床放在了自己的前院，而从此之后这个就变成了吸引其他孩子的磁体（当然这个蹦床比较小，离地面也只有三英尺）。
• "SCOPE OUT" THE BEST CHILDREN IN YOUR CHILD'SCLASS FOR PLAYDATES
在孩子的班级上找出最适合玩耍约会的玩伴 Visityour child's classroom or volunteer for class parties in order to determinewhich children would make good playmates. There are always at least a couple ofchildren in each class who have particularly tolerant personalities. Alsochoose children with the same interests as your child, i.e., dinosaurs, space,animals. There are a few children I consider my favorites, and I invite themover regularly, I have made my share of mistakes in choosing playmates, butkeep trying: Invite a few new children every couple of months.
参观孩子的教室或者参加课堂派对来决定哪些孩子可以成为你孩子的好玩伴。每个班里至少有几个孩子有比较宽容的性格。同时，你应该选择和你的孩子有相同兴趣的小孩，比如像恐龙，太空，动物一类的兴趣爱好。我很喜欢其中的几个小朋友，于是我经常邀请他们到家里做客。我已经分享了一些在找玩伴时犯的错误，不过你应该不断尝试：每几个月就邀请几个新的小朋友。
• IF POSSIBLE, "SHIP" THE SIBLINGS TO A FRIEND'SHOUSE FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS
如果可能的话，把兄弟姐妹送到朋友家呆几个小时 I amvery lucky in this regard, as my son is an only child. Your goal is to have aone-on-one play date, and that is only possible without interference fromsiblings. Also, many parents have told me that the playmate ends up playingwith the sibling, even if the sibling is older or younger, because the siblingis much easier to play with. This will also allow you to better monitor theplay date.
我的儿子是独生子女，所以这一点上我很幸运。你的目的是一对一的玩耍约会，而这也成为了避免兄弟姐妹干扰的唯一可能。而且许多的家长告诉我玩伴们最终会转而与孩子的兄弟姐妹玩耍，因为和他们玩儿更容易。把他们支开可以让你更好地安排玩耍约会。
• START WITH A SEMI-STRUCTURED ACTIVITY AND THEN LET THECHILDREN DECIDE WHAT TO DO
从半成型的活动开始，让孩子决定接下来该做什么 Oneof my favorite activities with which to start a play date is Play Dough. Wehave a "center island" in our kitchen, and I have lots of colors ofPlay Dough set out and ready to go, and a couple of the Play Dough kits handy.My son and I practice greeting the guest at the door and inviting them to playthe first activity. Most children like Play Dough (or some craft activity), andthe initial transition is smoothed. Also, a table or a center island allows thechildren to stand up while still playing in one spot, and this provides a greatopportunity for conversation. The children can also converse while working ontheir project, and they don't have to have much eye contact while talking. Eyecontact is difficult for my son, especially with people who are not familymembers. This helps disguise his poor eye contact.
我最喜欢的开场活动是玩橡皮泥。在我们的厨房里有一个“中央岛屿”，并且准备好了各种颜色的橡皮泥，还有随手可以拿到的一些橡皮泥套件。我和儿子练习如何在门口跟客人打招呼，并邀请他们玩第一个游戏。许多小孩都喜欢玩橡皮泥（或者其他的手工游戏），最开始的转换很顺利。而且一张桌子或者一个中央岛屿让孩子们在固定一个地方玩耍时也能站起来，这样就为沟通创造了很好的机会。孩子们可以一边设计自己的计划一边交谈，说话时也无需有太多的眼神交流。眼神交流对于我的儿子来说很困难，尤其是和家庭成员以外的人。这种方式掩盖了他在眼神交流方面的弱点。
• "HOVER" IN THE BACKGROUND, AND THEN STEP IN WHENNECESSARY
躲在隐蔽的地方，在需要时介入 •Try to let your child do as much as possible by him/herselfin the way of conversation and play. When you detect a disagreement, stand backfor a couple of seconds and see if they can resolve it themselves. If not, stepin as unobtrusively as possible, whisper a quick cue to your child, anddisappear into the background again as soon as possible. If you see a true"meltdown", discuss the consequences ahead of time with your child,and enforce it.
l 在交流和玩耍的过程中，试着让你的孩子完成他/她能做的最多的事情。当你发现孩子们意见不合，等待几秒钟看他们能不能自己解决问题。如果不能，尽可能在不被察觉的情况下介入，悄悄给你的孩子一个暗示，然后尽快重新消失在背景里。如果你发现了真正的“崩盘”，与你的孩子提前讨论后果,并强化这个后果。
• REHEARSE THE "RULES OF A PLAY DATE" AHEAD OF TIME
提前演练“玩耍约会的规则” Theserules can be any reminders that are particularly applicable to your child,however, I use the rules outlined in Good Friends are Hard to Find just priorto the guest arriving:
这些规则可以是对你的孩子尤其适用的任何提示，但在客人来到之前，我使用的是在《好的朋友很难找到》中概述的规则。
The guest is always right. If there is anargument, such as the rules of a game, the guest is always right. This meansthat you will never have to get to the bottom of an argument, and that yourchild will learn that a good host bends over backwards to make a guest feelwelcome. A good host puts his guest's wishes ahead of his own. Remember, yourchild has been warned about this ahead of time! (Obviously an exception wouldbe if the guest has physically hurt your child or the guest does not obey you).
l 客人永远是对的。如果出现了类似像游戏的规则这样的争执，客人永远是对的。这意味着你永远不需要把争论进行到底，你的孩子应该学会做一个好的主人会有所退让，让客人觉得自己受到优待；一个好的主人会把客人的意愿摆在自己的意愿之前。注意，提前告诉孩子这些！（当然如果客人对你的孩子造成肢体上的伤害，或是客人不听你的话，那就另当别论了。）
Ifyour child is bored, he/she suggests a change in an activity. Rehearse ahead oftime ways to suggest an activity change. An example might be, "Can we play____ when it's my turn again?" or, "Can we play this for five moreminutes and then play ____?" If your child is able to say this, (andremember you heard it because you are hovering in the background), be readywith the timer to help your child with the latter suggestion.
如果孩子感到无聊了，他/她提出变换活动。提前演练各种提出改变天活动这个要求的方式。例如“下次轮到我的时候，我们可以玩XX 吗？” 或者 “我们能不能再玩5分钟这个游戏，然后玩XX”， 如果孩子说了这些（确保你听到了这些话，因为你应该在孩子们周围），准备好计时器，帮助计时。
Don'tcriticize the guest. Explain that being polite will get your child what he/shewants without hurting the guest's feelings.
l 不要批评客人。给孩子解释礼貌会帮助他/她在不伤害客人感情的基础上得到他们想要的。
Don'tleave the guest alone for more than a few minutes. If the guest wants to seeyour child's room, make it clear that your child will go up to the room withhim/her, even if it means stopping an activity your child is presently engagedin.
l 不要长时间把客人独自留在那里。如果客人想要参观孩子的房间，让孩子和客人一起，即使那样会打断孩子手上的活动。
• TRY TO GET THE GUEST'S PARENT TO DROP OFF AT YOUR HOUSE, SOYOU TAKE THE GUEST HOME.
l 试着让客人的父母把客人放在你家，玩耍约会结束后你再把客人送回去。
Thisgives you control over a finite end to the play date. As we all know, thingscan deteriorate rapidly. I made the mistake once of having the other parentpick up the guest and they were 20 minutes late. Unfortunately this was 20minutes too long, and during that time a great play date took a turn for theworse because of my son's "meltdown". If I had taken the guest home Icould have foreseen that my son was getting tired and cranky, and ended theplay date on a positive note.
这样你可以控制游戏结束的时间。众所周知，事情可能会突然向不好的方向发展。我曾经犯过一次错误，我邀请其他孩子的父母来接走他们的孩子，但是他们迟到了20分钟 。很不幸的是，这20分钟太长，这期间，一个很愉快的玩耍约会因为我儿子的无精打采变得很糟糕。如果我能提前送客人回家，我在预见儿子可能会变得疲惫、注意力涣散后，就能在玩耍约会变坏前结束掉这次玩耍约会。
• GET YOUR CHILD INTO A FORMAL SOCIAL SKILLS GROUP AND KEEPHIM/HER THERE.
让孩子加入一个正式的社交技能小组并且坚持参加。Iknow this is not specific play date advice; however, this is where your childis going to learn many of the skills that can be practiced in your home duringa play date. Social skills are very difficult to teach, so find an experiencedsocial skills group teacher, and attend regularly. A seven-week social skillscourse is unfortunately not going to accomplish this. My son has been going toa social skills group almost weekly for 1.5 years, and the progress has beenslow and steady. These are difficult skills for our children to learn and theytake time. I envision that my son will need formal social skills training foryears, and he may always need a professional with which to consult regardingthese matters throughout his life.
l 我知道这不是一个具体的关于玩耍约会的建议。但是，在这种小组中，孩子能学到很多之后可以在家里练习社交技能。社交技能是非常难教的，所以找一个有经验的社交技巧小组老师，并长期参加这个小组。一个七周的社交技能课程显然很难教会孩子社交技能。一年半以来，我的儿子每周都参加这种社交技能小组，并且取得了一些缓慢但稳定的进步。这些技能对于孩子来说很难学习，这个过程需要很久。我认为我的儿子仍然需要几年正式的社交技能训练，他可能也需要一个可以长期为他生活中的困难提供咨询的专业人员。
Teachingmy child to find and keep friends is the most important gift I can give him inlife. I hope that he is able to live a life filled with friends.
教会孩子建立并维持友谊是我这辈子能给他最珍贵的礼物。我希望他度过充满朋友的一生。
对本文的特别申明:由于我们的医学专业知识和翻译水平有限，译文可能会有瑕疵，欢迎大家提出宝贵的意见和建议，以便帮助豆苗计划翻译小组更好地开展工作。
豆苗计划翻译小组
翻译：牛 给福尔摩斯先生的信 Smiley
复核：ゼ~SUNNY~ザ 彼岸花开
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